Losing my sister forever

The shittiest thing about losing my baby sister was the realization that I had lost her forever in this life.

I’d rather she’d stayed, I say selfishly.

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Twilight Debates

When

The hardest thing to do is sleep

When all your brain can do is meep

Into my darkest places creep

While all I wish to do is keep

The complications never deep

And undo all that feelings seep

So they can rest upon the heap

Of all we cannot reap

Release it all with sullen weep

And let it go, an ending sweep

The complications never deep

 

Mama, you’re back!

I was thinking this morning about the confusion that was my life before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I struggled with reality quite a lot.  Is it me?  Is it “them”?  Am I insane or as sane as can be in an insane world?

A memory that stands out to me is from a time when my son was 2.  We were constantly together because I was blessed enough to have been able to be a full-time parent thanks to his father.  My son taught me the severity of what was going on with me one evening when we were taking a bath.  I had been struggling with mania for a few weeks previous (at the time I didn’t know that’s what it was, but now I understand) so had kinda been all over the place.  Nothing was getting completed except his care, really.

So there we are in the bath and all of a sudden he says, “Mama!”, and reaches up to pull my face to his.  He looks me in the eyes for a minute, then a smile spread across his face and he says, “Mama, you’re back!”, and then hugged me very tightly.  I just started crying because, you know, WHERE had I been?  I had been there the whole time, but he noticed a change in me.  He knew me so well, that he saw something I felt, but couldn’t quite understand.

I’d like to say that’s when everything started getting better, but I wrestled with denial for the next 15 years (still do occasionally, heh) going on and off medications.

Trust those close to you.  They can tell when you’re off.

Schizophrenia, Bipolar Consciousness, and Other Shamanic Traits

“The basic difference between a Schizophrenic and a Spiritual Channel is the attitude of the person who is doing the perceiving.  Also, it can rest in the intensity and clarity of what is coming to and through him.  If a person is afraid of what’s happening inside, and it disrupts his life, he will go to a doctor and get pills, therapy, or ask to be put in a safe space for a time.  There is nothing wrong in this. Fear is a natural part of life, and is experienced by everyone at some time or other.  If the pills and therapy work, then the problem has been addressed for the time being. His “cure” will last as long as it lasts.

If the pills or therapy seem to wear off, and nothing new can be added to affect his situation, the patient may want to consider that he isn’t “sick” at all.  He is actually “gifted.”  Now…….before you have me drawn and quartered for saying this (!)…….please let me explain. And what I will tell you comes from my own internal guidance in life—my own “voices,” of you will—and will either resonate with you or it will not.  And that, too, is as it should be. You can take what you like and leave the rest.”

> . . .

http://www.reconnections.net/schizo_shamanic.htm

Shame

Shame comes in may forms.  Sometimes shame comes in a form that is necessary.  You do something wrong, you feel shame.  All good.  We learn from that shame.

Sometimes, though, shame comes in a  form beyond our control.  Like an epileptic siezure.  No one should feel ashamed for having one, yet people do sometimes.  Akin to the epileptic seizure is an extreme mood episode.  Depression, which makes people feel sad when around those in a depressive episode and also the manic episode, which make one extremely irritable in which they say or do some pretty fucked up things.

Neither of these folks, the epileptic nor the bipolar individual MEANS to do these things.  They are beyond the control of the individual having the episode.  Yet, one person is made to feel personally responsible while the other is forgiven as being beyond their control.  Guess what?  BOTH episodes are beyond that persons control.

Both are a seizure of differing kinds.  Then there’s those who hear voices.  How dare they.  How dare they not be able to control those things that those who don’t experience it deem wrong.

Blaming a person for not hiding their experiences reminds me of what I learned about Nazi Germany.  Hide it or die.  Hide it or suffer the social repercussions.

So we hide and we lie in job interviews and we try our hardest to be “normal” in a world that still expects us to.  Fuck you, society.  Fuck you for hating on sick people trying their damndest to be what you want us to be.